Over the past 2 months, this blog has been noticeably inactive. Shows I had a blast experiencing turned into drafts gathering dust in my Google Drive and notebooks. A cool opportunity to write about a music festival fell through when I got the flu, which crushed me after planning for months around the event. Life kept pulling me from having the time to go to shows and feel enough energy to write about my experiences. I guess that’s what a Master’s program and working for a privatized library system will do to you.
Tonight however, I was ecstatic to finally attend another show. In fact, it was a show that meant a lot to me as it was the second occurrence of a show that got me into the local scene and thinking about starting this blog. So much has changed for the better in a year. Yet, so much has stayed the same or only gotten worse. I don’t know whether overall I’ve gotten better or worse over that time.
Last year, the Paper Cutouts’ first Paperween show honestly changed my life. I went on my own to a concert for the very first time. At the time, I was stuck in a really shitty situation where getting to go out on my own and have fun felt so rare. It was probably the first time in months that I got to do something for myself without worrying that I was being selfish. Looking back, I can’t believe I let myself get to a point where I felt so restricted that I couldn’t go out for a few hours. No wonder that show and local shows in general ended up meaning so much to me.
That night, I got tipsy and danced to Crilly, Lawn Darts, Samson Oats, and the Paper Cutouts. I was amazed that people could just organize their own shows in their backyards and play music they made themselves. I was amazed that it could all be done and be some of the most fun I have had in a long time.
Since I came alone, I pushed myself to talk to strangers at the show. Even though I know I was insanely awkward, I’m still proud of myself for being social. Strangers I said hi to then became friends I talk to at almost every show I go to now. This wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t make myself go out of my way to say hi, awkward or not.
I remember how free I felt after that show. How happy I felt coming home. Maybe things weren’t so bad after all. Maybe I just needed to have a drink, dance to good music, and talk to other people. I honestly did. I don’t think I could have survived the next few months of bullshit that I did without being reminded how vivid and beautiful life can be when you can just let go and let yourself have a good time.
Tonight leaving the second annual Paperween show, I feel almost the opposite of how I did last year. The event itself was awesome; the Paper Cutouts know how to have a good time and organize something fun. However, my feelings are purely because of my own circumstances.
A year ago, I originally felt liberated seeing the possibilities that people could do on their own or with the help of their friends. People can share their art into the world, create a safe space to party, and a night where the rest of the world fades away. I no longer felt a need to ask permission to express myself and put my writing out into the world. I felt that change could be possible and I had the means to liberate myself from the conditions and circumstances that prevented me from being happy in the first place.
Obviously this all didn’t happen in one night, but the more and more I got involved in the scene, the more I felt these changes cement themselves into my mindset. These shows were my escape and place where I could be me without question, without fitting into the cookie cutter of others’ demands.
I felt so numb and disconnected tonight because I feel like I’ve forgotten everything I’ve learned. The more responsibility that I’ve taken on in my work and personal life, the less I’ve indulged in writing and creating things for this blog that I’m proud of. I realize I’ve been giving and giving with little to nothing left over to give to myself.
I miss creating. I miss writing for fun and about real things and people I care about and are so in awe of. I miss experiencing talent and art so special and genuine that it could not be translated into words that would do these moments a fraction of justice. I miss letting myself take up space in people’s backyards, breweries, and music stores. I miss feeling free. Wallflower Music is such an important project to my very soul that has shaped me into a person that I am proud of being, and I want to keep being the creative, liberated, and curious person that it has shown me I can be.
Art is the one means where people can be as selfish as they want about sharing their thoughts and feelings and ideas without actually being seen as selfish. Instead, that is an inherent part of being human. If being human means feeling a need to make art and create, then it also gives you permission to share what you think and feel and realize that expressing yourself in this world isn’t actually wrong or selfish at all. In fact, it’s one of the most beautiful things we can do and something we should be doing a lot more. We should be expressing ourselves openly and creatively. We should be taking up space without feeling like we’re being selfish for just existing. We should have the means and the language to feel liberated in who we are and what we do. To me, art is the means to liberation.
Wallflower Music will be back. I cannot promise regular posts or activity as self-reflection cannot change the fact that I am a Master’s student who works 2 part-time jobs. However, I can promise that I still care greatly about the scene and expressing myself in ways that I’m proud of. This blog truly lets me feel like a real person. For the first time in a while, I feel renewed with new ideas and motivation to give back to the scene that has given so much to me.
I’m happy and really grateful for the year I’ve spent in the scene, and genuinely am looking forward to all that it holds in the future. Thank you to all the incredible people that have shown me that happiness and liberation are truly possible by just existing and being yourself in such genuine ways. I am so inspired by every musician, artist, sound engineer, show organizer, and concert-goer I’ve had the pleasure to meet. Thank you for making this past year one that I will always hold fondly in my heart.
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